My drunkard pastor killed my mom.

 My drunkard pastor killed my mom.

I regret not doing anything about the violence at home sooner. I am now 36 and still single, have never in my life dated anyone and i will never date anyone. Yes i am still a virgin and i will die as one.

I have experienced how toxic marriage is, i will never go anywhere near it. People in my village know that i only attend funerals not weddings or church. I became an orphan because of what people thought was a happy marriage. 

My dad was a well respected pastor, little did people know the monster that was hiding behind the bible. He used to be very abusive, but suprisingly only towards my mom. What people didn't know was that my dad was a drunkard. 

He used to go to a very far place, very far from our village to buy lots of alcohol and hide it at home.  He would drink everyday and start insulting my mother. If he drank a little too much he would then hit her. I was a child and there was nothing i could do.

The same man would then wear a rope and stand on a pulpit every Sunday and pray for alcoholics and abusive men. In all those prayers whenever he prayed i wished he would say "us" but he never did. Maybe if he for once confessed that he was a part of them, God would've saved him.

My father accused my mother of dating other men at church. He mentioned it everytime he was drunk. My poor mom was going through a lot, i would hide under the bed until my dad was done abusing my mother physically and emotionally. As soon as i saw him fall asleep I'd then run to comfort my mom.

If my memory serves me right, i think i remember my father forcing himself on my mother after beating her. The question i still ask myself is why my mother kept quiet about this, why didn't she ever join the women at church who would go forward for marriage problems when my father prayed for them.

After years of enduring this, my mother got fed up. She came to sleep in my room thinking that my dad wouldn't come after her. He came and started pulling her off the bed. My mother tried very hard to fight to stay in the bed but keh my father was much stronger. 

My mom was really tired of the abuse so for the first time in her life, she fought back. Worst mistake of her life. My dad got more angrier and told my mom that he was going to deal with her, he called her disrespectful and distasteful.

He grabbed her with her hair and took her to their bedroom. I will never forget my mother's final scream that night. My dad had stabbed her with a beer bottle that broke when they were fighting. 

He stabbed her twice on the chest and once on the kneck. I was too scared to go see what was happening but my mother's sudden silence worried me. My father locked the room and went to the garage, he was in there for over 3 hours. I even fell asleep under the bed waiting for him to go back to their room. 

When i woke up, it was totally quiet in the house and the house was really cold. I got out of my room, walked slowly towards their bedroom door and it was locked. I tiptoed to the garage to see if my dad was still there. Slowly sneaked through the key hole and i saw his legs hanging.

I opened the door slowly wanted to get a clear view of what he was doing with his feet in the air like that. I will never forget what i saw, my dad had hung himself. He was dead.  I screamed so hard and ran outside and screamed some more.

Luckily the neighbours rushed to help, they were trying to untie my dad from the roof of our garage and i told them to force open my parent's bedroom door because my mom was in there. They forced open the door and there was my sweet mom laying in a pool of blood.

My dad prayed for everyone except himself. He has hurt me in a way that I'll never ever heal...