When I heard the news, my heart dropped. Not because I hate her now, but because of what I did years ago.
In 2016, I started working at Spar as a cashier. That is where I became friends with a woman from my area. We were both in our mid-20s and neither of us really had friends before, so our friendship became very strong. Our families were involved too. One day she told me that her partner, who was not the biological father of her son, was planning to pay lobola for her. In 2017, letters were sent out for their traditional wedding celebration.
When she told me, something inside me broke. I had already given up on marriage. I felt like no one would ever marry me. So instead of being happy for her, I felt jealous and deeply hurt. She had done nothing wrong to me, but I started hating her in my heart.
At that time, I was attending the Israel Church. I went to my spiritual mother, Mme, and told her how I was feeling. I wanted prayers. I wanted help to stop feeling that jealousy because it was eating me up inside.
Instead, she gave me a pen and a piece of paper and told me to write down everything bad I wanted to happen to my friend.
I was angry, so I wrote that I wanted to close her womb so that the man would leave her.
Mme told me to bring my friend’s underwear. I did not know how I would get it because we never borrowed clothes from each other. But that same week, my friend told me she was pregnant. I started visiting her more often, pretending to help her clean her room so we could bond. That is how I managed to take one of her panties.
I went to church that night and gave it to Mme. After seven days, she gave it back to me wrapped in a black plastic bag and told me to bury it at the cemetery. I made an excuse that I was going to clean my uncle’s grave. While I was there, I dug a hole and buried the plastic. Mme said her womb was now closed.
At that time, I felt happy.
She got married, but then she lost the baby. Doctors said it was eclampsia. The second pregnancy also ended in miscarriage because the baby was not getting enough oxygen. The third ended at 20 weeks due to another medical condition. The fourth was a missed miscarriage. The fifth ended the same way. Now she is pregnant again.
I once attended a crusade where a preacher called me out and said my life was a mess because of something I did to my friend. He said unless I reverse it, nothing good would happen in my life. He did not say everything openly, but I knew what he meant.
I went back to Mme and asked her to reverse it. She refused. She said nothing could help me. Soon after, my friend’s only child died in a car accident. I went back again and asked if it was connected to what we did. She said I should be grateful because I wrote that I wanted to close her womb, and now she has no child.
Since then, my life has not been going well. I am still working as a cashier. I do not know what happens to my money. Sometimes we do not even have food at home. I walk to church at night because I cannot afford transport. The person I was with left me. Many things are not working out.
Mme says I am being tested and that it has nothing to do with what I did. She warns me that if I leave my position in the church, something bad will happen to me. I am afraid, but I am also tired.
It has been six years. I even went back to the cemetery to try and find where I buried the plastic, but because of the rain and time that has passed, I could not find the spot.
I live with guilt every day. Every time I hear about her miscarriages, I remember what I wrote on that paper. I joined that church without knowing what I was getting into, and now I feel trapped.
Jealousy pushed me to do something I deeply regret. Today, I just want peace. I just want freedom.
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